*Some months after CXA Reunion*
It's been a strange turn of events since my last public appearance. Anyone who has known me since I began working in the wrestling industry would know I was never really a happy guy. All that unaddressed anguish I simply released in the ring or on the microphone. It was always a good outlet for my frustrations, and it's only now that I come to realise that taking away that outlet just simply let the anger build.
Anger at what? I never understood, and I still don't. I have never felt content in my life, like I never quite reached the plateau of self-worth and appreciation for myself that others seemed to from an early age. I think the hate formed from that, and I dispensed it in the ring. I never really physically addressed the issue, as I could keep in check rather well, or so I thought.
This maybe the real problem. I never addressed it. Nobody knew the real me. To tell the truth I never let anyone get close to me. I hoped that if I kept telling people how great I was then hopefully people would believe it, but there's only so much that would work.
I can't even honestly say that in the last few years I've felt much different. After entering a self-imposed exile from anyone I ever knew, I thought I could change. Start fresh and mold myself into whoever I wanted to be, but after a few months I came to realise that, although a leopard may change his spots, he is still a leopard. I can't switch brains or emotions, so instead of being a bitter, angry pro wrestler, I was now a bitter loner with no intention or desire to ever re-enter society. In fact, I may be even worse. The anger built up inside me with no way to vent it. I had tried to destroy it, by various philanthropic efforts at my new home, but it lingered. It stayed there, clawing away at my sub conscious and slowly filling my gut with unexplained hate.
I decided to bottle it. Possibly my worst decision ever, given the situation I now find myself in.
*************************
CXA Reunion was finished. I had flown back to Chile and was back safely, and anonymously, in Ovalle. Mark Rynx had stayed with me for six months, learning my new language, having fun, conquering and forgetting his problems. In this time, his social network around Ovalle had grown vast. He decided to move out of the vineyard once his rehabilitation was complete, and into a decent house in Ovalle with my funding. I knew it wasn't long before Mark decided he wanted out. His short-term girlfriend and him had split, and he needed a fresh start. So I gave him a large cheque, put him in contact with an old bank manager friend I knew and sent him on his way.
"The world is your oyster, Mark." I'd said to him. "I know you'd never be content with this life. So go. Live your life, fulfil your dreams. Maybe once it's all done you can pop in and say hi."
That was the last thing I ever said to him.
At this point in time, I felt I was doing well. The anger was slowly subsiding. I'd made new friends, new acquaintances, I'd built new relationships, some more special than others. And one even more than those.
The new feelings I felt were unlike anything I ever had experienced before. In fact, it made me question my whole being up until this point. My whole miserable, bitter and lonely life. Why had I lived like that?
In typical fashion, I'd just dismissed this, instead of thinking of reasons. Brush it under the rug. Don't worry about it. It's nothing. I don't live like that any more.
I did exactly that, and it was fine. I lived happily, in my new status for months. I finally thought my life had turned in a new direction. That my bleak outlook on life had finally turned around. For once in my life I felt content, pleased that I was here. Unfortunately, such things are only temporary. I always knew it, deep in my heart, although I never really accepted it could happen. Another grave mistake.
When the inevitable time came where my hopes and dreams and happiness came crashing down around me, I was ill-prepared for it, and it came out of the blue. Usually, in my old life, I'd build mental walls of personal, secret assurances, as comforts when things went wrong. This time I had nothing, and ironically, I felt that if it wasn't for this happy new outlook on life, I wouldn't be feeling like this. But I did. It's no good making excuses anymore, I felt. It didn't help anyway. Back came the anger but this time it was mixed with regret, self-pity and a dash of hate. My head was a giant pool of negativity, and nothing I did could shift these feelings.
Which made to question: why was I here?
All this money couldn't make me happy. My new start didn't make me happy. Being nice to people didn't make me happy. My cars, gadgets, fond memories didn't make me happy. So what am I doing? Living a life of misery, struggling from one monotonous day to the next, linked by sleepless nights, feeling the same bitter emotions, brimming with anger and hate and and in need a blowout.
So here I am. Sat in the immaculate office of my hacienda, depressed and bitter. I hated it, every inch of it. I'd had it specifically built to my exact specification, so there was nothing I didn't like about it, and yet now I hate it. I hate the view of the valley and the lagoon below. I hate my friendly hard-working staff. I hate all of my pets, that loved me unconditionally. I knew this would never subside. It ends here.
I'd changed my name by deed poll, or Chile's answer to it, last week. I didn't want to draw attention to myself or anything I did from now on. I didn't want anybody else sticking their nose in.
I always liked that click-click of the barrel dropping into place. It sounded like power, masculine and solid. Now it just sounded like a deep sigh of relief to me. So, this is it. I'd like to honestly say that I never thought it would be like this, but looking back on it, I guess it was just a matter of time. I'd also like to have said that I wish there was another way, but honestly I'm beyond caring now. I just wish she knew.
Subject: Ups and downs 
Sun Apr 10, 2011 7:55 am
Jordan ain't going nowhere
yeah, depressing as fuck, what